SLAP!!!

Sometimes life just Slaps you in the face!! Sometimes we just need it.
Well needless to say I needed a good SLAP!!!!!!!!!!

The last month has been full of things that have been a huge wake up call. The first of course you all know our situation with infertility. I really felt like for some reason I was finally in control of it all because we paid to try to get pregnant. I felt somehow entitled to getting what I feel like we deserve. Now don't get me wrong I am not saying that I don't think we deserve to be parents, because believe me I DO... BUT I seriously was so not OK with what the Lord has planned for my family because I was to busy focusing on what I think should happen. I have to say through all this I can see now how tremendously blessed we really are. I feel so lucky to have such an amazing husband, wonderful and supportive family, and the most amazing friends on the whole planet!!! Things have happened one right after another to remind me to pay attention. I think I was so focused on my grief that I was missing it all.... it was all a blur... some alternate universe I was living in. I am glad my family, friends, and especially the Lord have brought back safely to earth;)

No but seriously I was on another planet..... seriously...... I was not here... not present

Another thing I wanted to mention was the passing of a sweet women in my ward. Last week her and her husband and 1 year old were in a terrible car accident. She was also 18 weeks pregnant. She was my age. She was just starting her life. Unfortunately Tim and I didn't get to know her very well before the world lost her. But from what we did know she was an amazing person. Everyone keeps saying how she was ready, she had all her ducks in a row. She was ready to meet the Lord. I know she was also.

All of this made me think about my own life and how fleeting it can be. I really started to think, what if I wasn't here tomorrow? would I be ready? would people know how much I loved them? would people know how much I loved the Lord? I am just not ready to go, and that is an uneasy feeling. I really need to work on this. It SLAPped me awake.

I have to admit, that this last miscarriage/ectopic pregnancy broke me. It broke me in ways that I swore it never would. I wish that I could say that infertility has made me only better. But I fear in some ways it has made me worse. I fear that part of me is so insanely jealous of others. I covet what they have so much. I catch myself sometimes judging others and thinking "why them?" I know that sounds so terrible, I probably sound like such a bad person. It so hard to not look at those who have what I don't and almost be mad at them. For me its easier to be mad at them then jealous. Its like I can justify it that way. Like somehow they deserve my anger. I feel so terrible for that. Although it broke my spirit and shattered my heart I have to learn how to control that. I have to learn how to not place blame and keep anger in my heart. I have to let go.

Finally I just want to say that if I have offended anyone I ask for your forgiveness.

I have to say how sorry I am for completely losing it. For completely losing myself. I hope that I can somehow be better, stronger, more understanding of the trials others are enduring also.

Because I hate to say it but for some people, being pregnant is their trial, and I know its not my place to judge them or be mad.

I pray in the future that I can be strong enough to learn the lessons life has for me in a more efficient way. I hope that life doesn't have to keep slapping me in the face to get my attention. I hope I can learn how to dis-invite myself to my own pity party.

I hope I can just learn to heal and move on and be better for what I have been through;)