I try but sometimes I fail....

.......at keeping it all together.

First I want to just preface this by saying how grateful I am for my daughter. She is my Bright Kalea and I love her so much. I really couldn't have asked for a more beautiful baby ;) See>>>>>>>>>>>>>


I have to express my feelings though that creep up on me without any warning sometimes and sometimes I can feel it welling up inside me and I just want to burst. I miss Kalea sooo sooo soo much. I miss her every second of every day. I thought it would get easier as time went by. Usually you get used to things over time but I am just not getting used to leaving her at the hospital every night. I worry about her all the time. I wonder if she is comfortable, I wonder if she is happy, I wonder if she feels safe and loved. I just ache to hold her. My heart breaks when she cries and I can't pick her up and tell her its ok. I hate that I can't breast feed her and bond with her that way. I hate that I can't comfort her when she is feeling stressed or scared.
I have to report on her and say that she really is doing fantastic. She was transported today to East Cooper today to be in the special care level 2 nursery. That is one step below the seriousness of the Nnicu if you aren't familiar with it;) Basically she is doing so well that she doesn't need to be with all the really sick babies anymore. She breathes on her own and is doing really well tolerating all her feedings. She basically just needs to grow and gain weight and over the next few weeks she needs to learn to feed orally.
I just can't wait to have her home. I can't wait to be able to snuggle her and feed her and read to her. I can't wait for all those things that I feel so many moms take for granted. I wish more than anything I could pick up my crying baby, I wish more than anything I was sleep deprived and had spit up in my shirt.
I just want my baby home. I want her in my arms so badly. I have waited for so long to be a mom, and I feel robbed in a way of those fun newborn experiences. I feel a loss in my heart for the time I am missing with her. I wish I could just live at her bedside. I know it will be at least a month before she will be here and that pill is so hard to swallow.  I get so jealous of full term pregnant women, I get so jealous of full term babies being toted around hangin out with their mommies. I just want that sooo bad.

I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to stay faithful and endure whatever I must to bring her home safely. BUt some days its so hard. I try not to think of it all because frankly I just break down into tears. I want to stay positive and happy for her because that is what she needs from me. I know the Lord watches over us and her and I know we will all pull through this and be such a strong family. BUT it doesn't mean this isn't the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. This is making infertility seem like a cake walk.
I miss her. I miss her so much it hurts all over. I have never loved anything or anyone they way I love her. I just want her home with us.... badly.
PS I think I have a bit of post partum depression too.... never thought that would happen but I think it has and it doesn't help.

Do me a favor? All my mommy friends... hug your children a little longer for me tonight? Kiss them a few times more? Tell them you love then one more time for me? and then if your not too sick of me asking can I have one more prayer from all of you to be able to do this???

PS Kalea will be 2 weeks old tomorrow;) I am gonna take lots of new pics;) She is the cutest ever;) It blows my mind that she is here and she has become all of me.