How quickly things change........

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear-- not absence of fear." Mark Twain


MOst of you know already but I am in the hospital. I am so exhausted of talking and thinking about it but I feel I must record the events as of the past few days. 




My little girl isn't growing properly. She is so small:( 
Up until now we had no idea. Her parts all look beautiful just too small. I have a placenta that decided it would like to work half way for some reason..... story of my reproductive life I guess. Almost there.... my parts like to tease and torture me and almost work. eeeek its exhausting but really should I have really expected all to go as it should??? it never has.... it frustrates me beyond words. Why our sweet girl???uggg I better get off that train of thought right now or its all down hill for this post. 


Today I am supposed to be transferred to MUSC. They will have her on a continuous heart monitor to make sure she is not in any distress. So far she has done magnificently. She is fighting, her heart is strong. She has an occasional dip in her heartbeat which scares me half to death but it comes right back up which is a very good sign. I am hoping she can stay in my womb for at least another week or 2. If she stays in for 3 weeks it will be optimal but not likely. BUT the doc said every day she is in me thats 2 less days she will have to spend in the NICU. 


NICU.....


eeeeek....


some thing I was also not expecting to have to go through. Watching my daughter fight for her life hooked up to tubes and in an incubator. OH my gosh I really should not think about that. It terrifies me. 


Anyways .... Even though it doesnt seem it I am sure I am trying really hard to not think of worst case scenarios. I am trying hard to trust Heavenly Father and stay positive.... It hard but not impossible. 


All things are possible through God. I know it. 




I do know he loves me and Tim and Kalea. I do know and feel that he is keeping us in his ever watchful and loving care. I feel it... I feel it all around me... and when I chase the fear from my human mind I feel nothing but angels and the love of an eternal father in heaven... its miraculous. 


My mom will be here Tuesday... thank heavens for her. 


So many people have reached out to us near and far... people we dont even know are offering up prayers... I think we have our names in like 10 different temples now. There is no way that God does not see and hear all this and isn't going to help up get through it all. 


My spirit is contrite, my heart broken, and my will is bendable to whatever the Lord would have happen. It is always his plan... I will trust it no matter how hard the path. 


I really feel peace in my heart that we will not lose her. 
Yes it isn't the ideal situation or way things could have been but that is what refines us right? 
If this is how I can be refined through Christ then I will walk this road with my little family. I will do it with my head up and I will endure to the best of my ability. 


Please remember my sweet bright Kalea in your prayers? Please pray for her tiny body to grow in the strength of Christ... Please pray for her to stay here on this earth with us? 
I know you will.


I am so sorry if I have not responded to you all individually... you deserve that... 
I just know right now I do not have the strength to talk about at length with everyone. So I hope my general updates will suffice.