...OUT OF THE BLUE......

Well I have a confession to make to many of you. I have been holding back something that I have wanted to shout from the rooftops for about a month now;)

I haven't said anything about this until now out of respect for all who are involved... I will not be using any names in this post either to further respect the privacy of these people.

As you all know a little over a month ago I experienced what was probably the hardest month of my life.... Tim and I endured our first failed IUI attempt with our 3rd miscarriage which was also ectopic. The pain I felt physically wasn't much... but the pain in my heart almost killed me. I felt lost... alone.. broken....cheated...angry... and surprisingly numb at some points.
I felt as though our dreams of having an itty bitty little one in our lives were yet again shattered.

and then........

Out of the blue........

The Lord sent me an angel whom I will refer to as Mrs. K;)
This saint of a women who I had the privilege to be roommates with when I lived in Laie contacted me and said she had something important to share with me. Of course I called right away. The next hour was full of the weirdest and greatest feelings I have ever felt in my life.

She said to me that her sister-in-law was pregnant, young, scared, and thinking of adoption. Mrs. K said she immediately thought of us for perspective parents. My heart lept in my chest, almost straight out my mouth as I tried to pick my jaw off the floor. I was feeling a flood of emotion... I couldn't even begin to sift through it all.
My first instinct was MY sister.... my sweet sister who is in the adoption journey... my sweet sister who longs for a child, and I want her to be happy. Even if I was empty, to see her happy would fill me up...
I told Mrs. K... maybe you called because I am supposed to send you to my sister. At that moment I felt so selfish and guilty because inside I just knew, I knew that this opportunity was meant to be for Tim and I. I didn't know it at the time but Tim was so upset because he felt it too. He said he felt pain in his chest when I mentioned passing this on to any one else. He said he felt jealous.
I told my sister about it and she knew.... she knew this was for me.
See... she is my best friend she knows me so well. She just didn't feel that this was for her, and she could tell that I was feeling the way I was even without saying it.

I still feel bad about the way I communicated that night... but I am pretty sure I wasn't even communicating to myself. I hope my sister will forgive me for being sooo out of it.

The next day I called Mrs. K. I told her sorry for being so off... I told her please to keep us in mind, and updated.

I didn't want to be excited. I didn't even want to think about it. Because this birth mom has every right to change her mind, or to not even decide in the first place this is what she wants. With everything I have I respect her decision and would never want to pressure her.
But I couldn't help but think, my baby is coming to me. Finally my baby is coming to me.

You see she is as far along as I would've been. The sweet child will be the same ethnic mix as Tim and I. And even though its early it just seems to fit.

I completely understand that at any point she could change her mind, or heaven forbid something could go wrong with the pregnancy...
BUT I cant hold my joy in any longer. As of today we met with LDS family services and started paper work. We are also going to Utah over Thanksgiving to meet her.
I feel like whatever happens this is the road that I am supposed to pursue.

I can't lie. I feel somewhat guilty. Why you ask? Because I know so many beautiful couples who long for a child and are going through such a long and arduous process, whether through infertility or adoption. And you know, I just wish it would be this way for all those people. I feel so blessed to have this come to us, especially when it did. But I cant help but feel bad for those who wait years on adoption lists. I want their babies to come to them easily and without pain. I dunno so many thoughts about that..... I cant even begin to sort it out in my head.

Through everything there is one thing I know for sure. The Lord has a divine plan for families, and even though I have questioned it in the past, he has a plan for mine.

And you know what???

His plan is better than mine. His way is better. His knowledge so infinite he can see my family in the eternities. I don't really have a choice but to trust him, right? I mean how can I not?
Because I sure as heck cant see the future.

I know this is sooo coming out of left field ... don't worry I feel the same way:)

BUT this is where our road is taking us.... and you know what? I am so excited for our journey.

So its OFFICIAL!!!! WE ARE PAPER PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!