Standing Alone.

When I was a little girl I was taught that little girls grow up, get married, and have babies. That was just the way life goes. 

I think that many little girls were probably told the same thing. This is just part of our culture. This is just part of Mormon culture also. The Gospel revolves around the family so why wouldn't it be that way. That is what we all hope for. That is what we all dream of. 

Unfortunately this scenario has eluded me, and has escaped many others also. Some never marry, some marry and go through horrific divorce. Some marry and lose a spouse to death or drug addiction. Some will never bare children of their own and have to endure painful adoption failures. Some will bare children and lose them to deaths merciless hand.  And some people live their lives in seclusion and loneliness. 

I don't think that they ever really tell you that's what life really is. 

Pain. Heartache. Loss. Disappointment. Depression. Sadness. Anger. Abandonment. 

I think when the true reality of what this life throws at us hit me, it took my breath away. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. I felt as though the rug had been yanked out from underneath me. I felt shocked and angry that infertility was my life because from what I was told, that isn't how life is supposed to go. 

I took this picture yesterday. I was immediately drawn to these 2 trees. 

While they are surrounded by beauty they stand alone in a field quietly and calmly being each others best friends. They are surrounded by the fertility of nature yet they are alone. This reminded me of Tim and I. It reminded me of our lives so far together. Loving, strong, independent, beautiful, yet standing alone.  These two best friends have been through storms I am sure. They have held fast and strong to one another, but when is it their time to not be alone. Their turn to experience the fertility that this world holds. 

some of you know and some probably don't but this coming month we are trying our first in-vitro cycle. 

I am terrified, I am scared, I am anxious, and I am excited all at once. 

BUt ya know what...

It's time.

It's our time. 

It's our turn. 

BUt we are not in control and I don't pretend to be.

And if we fail again to create the life we so desperately want to bring into this beautiful world, it will hurt. It will hurt like hell.  BUT alas...... 

there is always tomorrow. There is always our roots holding us to the ground and to each other. And even if we have to go it alone. We will be ok. 

We will stay with each other till the end like these trees and just enjoy the field around us.  

Yep I think that's what we'll do. ;) 

Pray for us??? 

Cuz I know just as well as anyone that life is what happens when your making plans.