Don't lose "you"

When we were struggling to get pregnant I found myself many times becoming very bitter and jealous of those around me who had what I wanted so desperately.  Sometimes I took it to far by being very cynical and unfeeling towards others. BUT I think I also learned a few lessons from having that experience of infertility.
I always promised myself that when I was on the other side of infertility that I wouldn't forget how it felt. I promised myself that I wouldn't lose Shannon and just become Mommy.
NOw I understand that Kalea isn't here yet and when she is my life and views will yet a gain change with a new experience. BUT I know a few wonderful mommies who still manage to keep their identity and not completely lose themselves in their kids. LIKE my dear friend SARIAH FINN. Before she moved away I spent every day with her and her kids. SHe was and is a fantastic mom and her kids always came first, BUT she also was a great friend, wife, and photographer. She could and can do it all!!! She is a great example to me of how I want to be as a mom. She allowed herself to be balanced and because she was balanced her kids benefited from it. I want to be like that. OH did I mention she has 4 boys under the age of 4??? She still found time to be her;) I love her for that. I miss her lots.

Anyways. BEcause it is so exciting to be pregnant I find myself thinking that's all that is going on. BUT really when I think of it deep down there is so much else going on!!! My goal is to try to stay balanced. I want to try to be temperate in all things as we are commanded to. I don't think any mom should feel bad for doing that. I think children would be happier if mommy took some time out for herself when possible;) I am not pointing fingers at anyone... just reminding myself now... in writing... so I don't forget;)
remind me if you see me starting to lose it ok?

I am sooooo long winded huh??? Well I guess that's what this blog is for.
One more thing before I shut up.
A few weeks ago we had a lesson on charity. I have really been trying to examine what charity means to me in my heart since then. Where can I be more charitable?? I have come to the conclusion I am not even a fraction of what I should be. I think of charity and remember that it is the PURE LOVE of CHRIST.   WOW... that is so encompassing isn't it??? What a task we have to be commanded to be charitable. I have seen in my own life that I need to be more charitable mostly in my thoughts. I have been trying to catch myself when I have a judgmental thought or even an unkind thought towards someone else. NOT just towards those I love but not have bad thoughts towards anyone.
It's really hard.... I find myself justifying my judgmental thoughts because someone "looks" like they deserve it.
Example: I went to Sumter with my friend Jenna a few weeks ago. We were hungry before heading home so we pulled into a fast food place. There were 2 people standing outside and I said (based off of their appearance) "wow look at those crazies, I bet their selling drugs or something they look tweeked out!"
I know... I know.... I am embarrassed to tell you that I said that.
We sat in the parking lot eating and just then a mini-van that had stickers on it indicating she was a Mormon pulled up. The nice clean cut lady inside picked them up with a smile on her face. She was obviously giving them a ride and knew them somehow.
I felt so bad:( Here I was completely judging them.... and here was this latter day saint SERVING them. WOW ... I suck.

anyways I know this is so long winded but I had to get it out. I am trying to work on these things. I need to work on these things. In my efforts to change my heart I hope the Lord will attend me and give me the strength to be more like him. Because I am pretty terrible at it.  ALSO how do I expect to teach my baby girl to be kind and charitable when I am not that way in my heart.

ok.... promise ..... I am done. Thanks for reading;)