#struggling

Yes I know I just hash-tagged my blog title;) But nowadays putting a hash-tag on something is like a new way of punctuation. It's like saying a sentence without saying it. It's just another weird phenomenon that social networking has created...thanks Twitter;)

anyways apparently I have some emotions that need to be vented because I keep randomly bursting out into tears lately. I have so much on my mind with the events that are about to take place in the next few months. I have so many conflicting emotions that are becoming hard to sift through.

Many of you know that we are moving. We were supposed to be going back to Hawaii but that fell through. The Navy wanted Tim to reenlist for 3 more years in order for us to go to Hawaii. We had already decided to get out of the military after this year so we didn't want to change that fact. The unfortunate casualty of that decision is that we don't get to go home to Hawaii. I thought I was ok with it because I feel peace about our decision BUT even though I know it's the right thing to do it doesn't make it suck any less. I had so many things I wanted to do and people I wanted to see. I was so excited that we were going to have Kalea's first birthday party there. I was so excited to take her to the beach and introduce her to all of our Ohana there. To say I am bummed would be an understatement.

BUT on the other hand I was just starting to settle here in Charleston.  Kalea and I have a good schedule we are both used to and I have made friends that are very dear to me. I love our house and I love Tim's work schedule. So even though I thought I would never be sad to leave here... I am. I am very sad:( Now there are things I won't miss... BUT there are more things that I will miss. I just started to get some business with my photography too.  I've been on a role lately and I finally feel satisfied with the work I am producing. I have learned so much since being here. I had my daughter here for goodness sake!! So obviously Charleston SC will always have a corner of my heart.

We are getting sent to Portsmouth New Hampshire. It's a naval shipyard and not a base so there is a very small community of military people there. I am excited to hopefully be in a smaller ward again. I like small wards;) I am excited to shoot there because from what I have seen it's GORGEOUS up there. It's a part of the country I have never been to so I am excited to cross off another place on my list. I am excited to be close to Boston (I love their accents) and New York City. I am excited to be within driving distance of some of my most favorite people the Finns;) BUT I am not excited for the freezing temperatures and having to make friends all over again. I am just going to get attached like I always do and then have to leave them. It pretty much sucks..... Maybe I will just hermit myself in the house and not talk to anyone. It would be so much easier that way. Either way I know it will be an adventure for a short while and even if I hate it there it's only for a year.

I can't wait to get out of the military. I am so sick of only seeing my family a few times a year. I am sick of having to fly across the whole dang country to go home. I am sick of missing birthdays and holidays. I am sick of not being able to hang out with my brother or sisters, I am sick of not being able to cry in my mom's lap like a little baby. I am sick of my conversations being cut short because Skype decides to kick us off.  I just badly want Kalea to know her aunts and uncle and one day ehr cousins.  I miss these people like crazy.



I'm not gonna lie... the other thing that's totally buggin is my weight. I avoid mirrors, I photoshop the crap out of myself in every picture. I don't ever get ready or cute anymore. I am just not sure what to do. I started to diet and then totally fell of the wagon and I just don't know how to stay on. I am not sure what keeps me from changing things. It's not impossible... but it feels like it. I just can never stick to anything. I don't know why.  I guess that's something for the therapists couch but until I get one of those I am at a loss. I hate that there is a 2 infront of my weight on the scale. I HATE that I have to now buy a size 18 jeans. I hate all these things so why can't I change them?? I dunno.... uggg... see even just talking about it makes me want to eat a cupcake. SUCH a CONTRADICTION I know. If you have any insight for me feel free to tell me.... I can't figure it out.  The only thing that makes me feel good about myself and that I am still trying at is Krav Maga. BUT that is short lived because we are moving and there isn't a Krav place close by:( It makes me so sad.

On not such a depressing note... I am super excited for Christmas this year. Although I wish I was with my family I am so excited for Kalea's first Christmas. I can't wait till she's old enough to feel completely spoiled.  It's gonna be so fun;) She is the silver lining to every dark cloud in life. I am so lucky to have her and I would go through all of the trials all over again just to have her. She is the brightest light in my life. We cuddle in the mornings and when she wakes up she gives me the biggest smile when I tell her good morning. Awwweeeee man she just melts my heart;)
<-----See;)