Update...

This is a post I have been dreading to write.
For many reasons.... like... i am just emotionally drained and I am not sure if I can think about things anymore.
BUT mostly I have been dreading it because I know how disappointed you all will be in what I am about to share.
As you know we made our journey to Utah. We were there for 2 whole weeks and it was probably the most bitter sweet 2 weeks I have had in a long time.
Tim and I enjoyed seeing our family sooo soo much. In fact we just enjoyed being in Utah also. It really isn't a bad place to be;)
Most of you also know the purpose of our trip was to meet the birth mom of our potential child and to be there for the ultrasound. Without saying too much on the Internet for all to see I do want to tell you know that the adoption is probably not going to happen. :(
I know you have so many questions like.. what in the world could have stopped this from happening?.. and .. how could a seemingly perfect scenario turn sour?... and ...we were so excited for you how could this be?
Well believe me if I had the answers to these questions I would tell you. I wish I could explain to you all how and why this happened the way it did. I wish I could sort through all the madness in my head.
BUT
what I do know is this....
We loved the birth mom.. loved her fiercely. We felt so close to her and felt as if we met before. Her family was also amazing. I truly have a love and respect for them that will always be there.
It has nothing to do with money or obstacles or paper work. AS most of you who are close to Tim and I you know that there could never be enough of that to ever take us away from building our eternal family. To be parents is the deepest desire of our hearts. There is no other thing in this world that we want more. No amount of money we wouldn't pay.

BUT in this situation things happened in a sequence of events that started out seemingly small then grew to a large an unsettling feeling that both Tim and I couldn't shake. I could never explain to any of you how we felt. We just felt so confused and so unsettled. I thought we would reach clarity and then be able to move on but it never came.
I was anxiety ridden for 3 days straight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't think straight at all. Tim felt the same way. The only peace we felt was when we decided to let go.

I don't know why it happened the way it did, I don't know why we would go through all the time and effort for it for the Lord to caution us to turn around. All I have to say is that I know in my heart that Tim and I have prayed fervently about our situation every night. We have been to the temple and have prayed there too. We have fasted in faith to find peace and I can honestly say that I could stand before him now in confidence that we have obeyed him and his promptings. I could never say that I regret listening to him when he has asked us to do something.
I know that he will take care of us, I know we will be parents. He has not shown a light on our path a mile ahead, but he shows us the next step in front of us and that's all I need.

We are disappointed, and we are sad that some people involved we feel altered our course. We feel upset that our moral character was questioned by someone who didn't even know us.
BUT we know that we would have and will be great parents. We love the Lord and pray for his guidance and we will not ever stop until we are in his rest.

Thank you so much for all your support and love. For all the gifts and all the well wishes. I am so sorry that I don't have happier new to report to you. BUT one day I will. So until then we look forward to that day.

ps....if you were wondering the baby is a boy that a lucky couple will get to have forever.