My Prison-Temple

Over the past few days I have had lots of time to think about a lot of things. I am positive that many of my thoughts weren't very coherent due to a little drug called Percoset, and his friend Lortab, BUT in the middle of all of that I have had some really great epiphanies and also some terrifying realizations.

I have had lots of great friends and family tell me "Shannon you are so strong". This statement is hard for me to hear, let me tell you why.

Although I have been through one of the most traumatic experiences of my whole life in the past week and come out alive I don't feel in any way that my "strength" has gotten me through any of it.

For a really long time before all this happened I had distanced myself from the Lord, I distanced myself from feeling the spirit. It was that whole "why me?" thing. I didn't feel that any of my prayers, or tears, or faith in the past had gotten me anywhere. I didn't feel like my faith had mattered at all in any of it. I felt that it was just life and I just had to deal with it. People don't get pregnant because they pray for it, people get pregnant because sperm met egg and they grow and implant and etc.....

I had taken God out of the equation because it hurt to much to think he would deny me this blessing and give it out like candy to people who I deemed to be "unworthy" of such a blessing.

So after this kind of attitude you would think that the latest tragedy in my life would just push me over the edge of the cliff I was teetering on. BUT in an amazing twist of life it didn't, it did the exact opposite. I knew, and had known for some time that so many people had been praying for me. I knew they had fasted for me, I knew they had the faith in me and in the Lord that I had completely lacked. This CHANGED MY LIFE. I am not sure if I have ever had a true testimony of prayer until now. Prayer can move mountains. Prayer can even move stubborn people;) I have to say it has been a miracle for me.

You see, without the prayers, without the faith, without the love from my family and friends, I am pretty sure I would be in pieces. I can't express to you how exquisite my pain in all this has been. I cant tell you how hard it is to lose 4 children. I will never be able to express that kind of sadness in words.

BUT I could also never express to you the unbelievable force that I feel behind me as I sit here in bed recovering. All I know is that it does not come from me. All I know is it has inhabited my body and I feel safe. There is only one force that I know of that is capable of that kind of power. It is not of this world, it cannot be touched or seen. It can only be felt when real prayer and real faith and real love come into someones soul, it is indescribable.

I want you all to know that no matter what you are going through, no matter what you are faced with. NO matter where your heart might be. This power is available to you also. It can flood your soul with indescribable force. It can be your life raft when you are drowning. It can save you. Call upon the powers of heaven and it will rain upon you too;) I promise it.

I had a chance to re-read my favorite article ever written in the Ensign. It is from the Sept. 2009 issue called Lessons from Liberty Jail, I have mentioned it before. Please go here and read the whole article. It will change your life. But please let me share an exert with you here for a moment, it is one of my favorite parts.

1. Everyone Faces Trying Times

The first lesson from Liberty Jail is inherent in what I’ve already mentioned—that everyone, including, and perhaps especially, the righteous, will be called upon to face trying times. When that happens we can sometimes fear that God has abandoned us, and we might be left, at least for a time, to wonder when our troubles will ever end. As individuals, as families, as communities, and as nations, probably everyone has had or will have an occasion to feel as Joseph Smith felt when he cried from the depth and discouragement of his confinement: “O God, where art thou? … How long shall thy hand be stayed … ? Yea, O Lord, how long shall [thy people] suffer … before … thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them?” (D&C 121:1–3).

Whenever these moments of our extremity come, we must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. He does hear us. He does see us. He does love us. When we are in dire circumstances and want to cry, “Where art Thou?” it is imperative that we remember He is right there with us—where He has always been! We must continue to believe, continue to have faith, continue to pray and plead with heaven, even if we feel for a time our prayers are not heard and that God has somehow gone away. He isthere. Our prayers are heard. And when we weep He and the angels of heaven weep with us.

When lonely, cold, hard times come, we have to endure, we have to continue, we have to persist. That was the Savior’s message in the parable of the importuning widow (see Luke 18:1–8; see also Luke 11:5–10). Keep knocking on that door. Keep pleading. In the meantime, know that God hears your cries and knows your distress. He is your Father, and you are His child.

When what has to be has been and when what lessons to be learned have been learned, it will be for us as it was for the Prophet Joseph. Just at the time he felt most alone and distant from heaven’s ear was the very time he received the wonderful ministration of the Spirit and the glorious answers that came from his Father in Heaven:

“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes” (D&C 121:7–8).

Even though seemingly unjust circumstances may be heaped upon us, and even though unkind and unmerited things may be done to us—perhaps by those we consider enemies but also, in some cases, by those whom we thought were friends—nevertheless, through it all,God is with us.

We are not alone in our little prisons here. When suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God than we’ve ever been in our entire lives. That knowledge can turn every such situation into a would-be temple.

Regarding our earthly journey, the Lord has promised, “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88). That is an everlasting declaration of God’s love and care for us, including—and perhaps especially—in times of trouble.

I love you all so much. I love my God and he is with me. I cannot say thank you enough to those of you who took time out of your lives or your day to pray for me. I want you to know it did and still is making a huge impact in my life. I can never say thank you enough for that. It has been my life raft in rough drowning waters.

Thank you so much.

I am so sorry for such a long post, but I hope you enjoyed it anyways;) If any of you have a hard time and just want to talk or need some extra prayers, feel free to send me an email or call me. My email address is senoni81@hotmail.com.